Posted 2014-10-01T03:34:34+02:00
On a scale of one to crazy how many cats are you?

Posted 2014-10-01T03:27:59+02:00
My reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook

Posted 2014-10-01T03:21:23+02:00
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

Posted 2014-09-30T22:46:24+02:00
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.

Posted 2014-09-30T22:37:19+02:00
It's kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn't

Comment by Anonymous

Clearly they both are, and both are bad choices for the human race.

Posted 2014-09-30T21:26:27+02:00
If you like terrible daytime talk show programming so much why don't you Maury it

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-30T21:25:58+02:00
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Come over to my place -Chuck E

Posted 2014-09-30T21:18:11+02:00
Today is always the only day of your life.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

So that midget I raped yesterday? I'm off the hook or what?

Comment by Anonymous

Sounds like a Jaden Smith quote.

Posted 2014-09-30T21:10:06+02:00
Did you hear about the mobster who's also a janitor at the aquarium? He sweeps with the fishes

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-30T21:07:58+02:00
"Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

Posted 2014-09-30T21:04:45+02:00
"What if we put, like, a big fucking bear on it?" - Pivotal moment in the California Flag Design Symposium

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-30T21:04:05+02:00
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

Posted 2014-09-30T21:01:45+02:00
I have a condition that keeps me from going on a diet. It's called hungry.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-30T21:00:02+02:00
I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fucking amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-30T20:59:01+02:00
First World problems: My book ran out of batteries.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-30T20:58:23+02:00
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up. Britches love stitches.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-30T20:57:43+02:00
Did you know I can tie a cherry stem with my asshole? I shit you knot.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-09-30T20:55:25+02:00
A Tetris movie is in the works. The filmmakers are betting on long lines.

Posted 2014-09-30T03:57:37+02:00
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.

Posted 2014-09-30T03:55:24+02:00
Judge not, by the color of their skin but by the color of their teeth.

Get a Life(1)

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