Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Just cause someone is giving you less doesn't mean they're not giving you with all they have.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else's office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
It only becomes a mistake if you regret it.
Some people are like Polaroids.
You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Shoutout to all the horror movies that led to sex.
I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!
Gas is cheap considering you're buying liquid exploding dinosaurs.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I like to mess with dudes wearing Tapout shirts by saying "Cute top!"
My resume is just a handwritten note that says "He is good." with a forged President Obama signature.
Woodpeckers have very clear life goals.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes.
Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
I think I'm in love with you but first show me your playlists.
Your cat thinks of you as a pet.
I always have a cigarette after sex, I use the other hand of course.
1969: America winning space race with the Russians
2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating.
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