Posted 2014-10-24T05:55:22+02:00
Go fuck yourself is easily the most solid piece of advice that I can give you.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:54:09+02:00
It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:53:46+02:00
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:49:29+02:00
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a blowjob each time you act crazy, he'll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:47:02+02:00
Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked

Posted 2014-10-24T05:36:15+02:00
My legs are so white they just baked a batch of kale chips.

Posted 2014-10-24T05:32:54+02:00
Isn't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

Posted 2014-10-24T05:26:59+02:00
I'm not mad that the Ebola guy went to the Highline, jogged 3 miles, and bowled w/ friends. I'm jealous that he leads a more fulfilling life

Posted 2014-10-24T05:25:32+02:00
Relationships are like health insurance: all your preexisting conditions start coming out AFTER you've been approved

Posted 2014-10-24T05:18:03+02:00
Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

Posted 2014-10-23T18:22:30+02:00
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Posted 2014-10-23T01:38:41+02:00
How many bad decisions are you gonna make until I become one?

Posted 2014-10-23T01:35:02+02:00
In my defense your honor, he said prolly.

Posted 2014-10-23T01:32:43+02:00
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

Posted 2014-10-23T01:29:46+02:00
First the mixed tapes disappear and now it seems women don't appreciate dick pics. It's like we have no more romantic weapons left.

Posted 2014-10-23T01:28:41+02:00
It's only gambling if you're losing.

Posted 2014-10-23T01:28:13+02:00
To find your prince you need to kiss a few frogs not sleep with the whole pond.

Posted 2014-10-23T01:23:05+02:00
Can't stop drinking about you

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-10-23T01:21:15+02:00
When prostitutes go on strike they really don't give a fuck.

Posted 2014-10-23T01:20:57+02:00
Never, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.


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