Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
On a scale of one to crazy how many cats are you?
My reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
It's kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn't
If you like terrible daytime talk show programming so much why don't you Maury it
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.
Today is always the only day of your life.
Did you hear about the mobster who's also a janitor at the aquarium? He sweeps with the fishes
"Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever."
-If Mary had Facebook
"What if we put, like, a big fucking bear on it?" - Pivotal moment in the California Flag Design Symposium
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
I have a condition that keeps me from going on a diet. It's called hungry.
I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fucking amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
First World problems: My book ran out of batteries.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Did you know I can tie a cherry stem with my asshole?
I shit you knot.
A Tetris movie is in the works. The filmmakers are betting on long lines.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you.
Judge not, by the color of their skin but by the color of their teeth.
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