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Posted 2015-07-31T06:29:39+02:00
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

3 men and a little lady but the lady is a tramp.

Comment by Anonymous

3 men and a Baby

Comment by Anonymous

3 men actually.

Comment by Anonymous

Actually the couple was 2 men.

Comment by Anonymous

Oh. I see now. Thank you for the explanation. :)

Comment by Anonymous

He is saying he was the reason for them fighting. And the fact that he has to get dressed means he's porking the wife. Porking means banging.

Comment by Anonymous

Maybe it's the language barrier, but I don't get this one. Can someone explain? Danke.

Comment by Anonymous

Best thing I've read in months on here. Keep em coming

Comment by Anonymous

Idk who you are, but please post some more statuses. Thanks.

Posted 2015-07-31T06:27:48+02:00
Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking fucker yourself' I replied

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:20:15+02:00
My favorite competitive sport is never texting first.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:17:22+02:00
The idea of meeting someone on a dating website is more terrifying to me than dying alone.

Epic(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Good call for you. You are avoiding lots of rejection by anyone who you would ever meet.

Posted 2015-07-31T06:06:14+02:00
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.

Epic(2)
Comment by Anonymous

And just like soccer, all the parties involved on the playing field are the same sex.

Posted 2015-07-31T06:05:36+02:00
Haters gonna hate, your honor

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:59:40+02:00
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

Funny(3)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:47:06+02:00
I'm so Canadian I say 'thanks' to automatic flush toilets

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

That was the change basket in a toll booth sir.

Posted 2015-07-31T05:45:25+02:00
I wish life were like The Walking Dead. No boss, no shit job, no bills, being outdoors, living off the land, stabbing zombies.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:43:34+02:00
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:41:02+02:00
The guy who spelled 'Wednesday' like that sure pulled off some shit.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:33:42+02:00
When you're happy you enjoy music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics

Epic(2)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:21:55+02:00
After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:21:00+02:00
My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:17:40+02:00
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it's what it's.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:16:58+02:00
First time I ever saw "fuck me eyes" was in Lion King when Simba pins Nala during Can You Feel The Love Tonight

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:14:14+02:00
Be the change you want to find behind your couch.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-29T02:05:18+02:00
Teenagers these days don't know what true happiness is. That first time you log into Napster after a jump from the 28.8 to the 56k is a good starting point for the basis of my argument.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Yes grampa, I am sure you're also very happy they still let you have a computer at your age in the nursing home.

Posted 2015-07-27T05:14:10+02:00
I just found $60 in my pocket. The kid in me says "buy nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says, "buy beer, nerf guns, and candy".

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-27T05:10:42+02:00
Traded in my FitBit for a LifeAlert.

Funny(2)

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