Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I'm so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
In dog beers I've only had 2.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they're the ones I bitch about when I'm drunk.
I'm starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Ugh why did God have to make me an atheist?
Monday is like being out of skips when Ke$ha comes on Pandora Radio.
Overheard a woman say "she just hate me, cause she ain't me. Ya feel me?" We feel you, girl. We feel you.
I feel like A&E and MTV are in a secret competition to see who can discover the worst human being alive.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties.
I will never comprehend this.
There comes in everyone's life the horrifying realization that you are now the adult who has to take care of things.
Vegan Cookbooks are actually just a list of all the different ways to tell people you're a vegan.
I am not sorry for what I said!
I am, however, sorry for not being sorry.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
My ego: "impossible", my experience: "risky", my reason: "pointless", my heart: "maybe", my penis "go for it" This happens every time I see a pretty girl.
Sorry, I can't delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they're leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Accidentally downloaded the clean version of a song and now my day is ruined.
Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof*
And just like that he vanished without a tres
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
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