Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I'd like to thanks my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being at the side, and my fingers cause I can usually count on them.
You ever read a status, and you're like, 'what a fucking retard' and then you realize you're on your own page?
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
"I knew that..."
-Me, after every Jeopardy question.
I'm only gunna have one beer.
At a time.
Until all the beer is gone.
McMuffin isn't just a sandwich to me, its an emotion
WARNING: Objects in relationships appear happier than they are.
If you watch Beauty and the Beast backwards its about how falling in love will turn you into a monster.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what's going on and there's a lot of wine drinking.
Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?
Women are like BLAH BLAH BLAH and men are all like BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS! And eating food happens and that's relationships.
This may be the hardest anyone has ever fought to not get two billion dollars
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
"You know what I think they should do in Gaza?" tweeted the man half a world away from the safety and comfort of his reclining chair.
I Don't Wanna: The Beginner's Guide to Mondays
When my grandchildren ask what I did to save the world, I'll be like, "I saved a b every time I spelled babe as bae, you ungrateful fuck."
Hell is an enormous mall with no stores and infinite kiosks.
Get a load of this jerkoff driving slower in the rain. Way to substantially reduce the risk of hydroplaning, you fucking idiot!
Left a box of parrots next to the police station and now they're all under arrest for impersonating officers. My work here is done.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
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